I Saw a Kangaroo Punch Another Kangaroo in the Face

Hi there cyberfriends,

There are a couple of things I have not told you that one might consider to be important events.
First, I broke my computer about two weeks ago. Etienne and I had been driving somewhere we had never been. We had my laptop along with us so we could trust the powers of Google Maps. When we arrived at our destination, I closed my laptop and put it on his seat. When he got back in the car, he moved my laptop over to the passenger seat. When I got into the car, I did not check my seat. I sat on the computer. I did not even think anything of it. I said, “Oh hey, my computer is under me.” I then moved it to the back seat.

Only in the morning did I realize the extent of the damage. I had cracked the screen. It started out as just a little black spot. Two weeks later, it is a huge black spot that dominates the entire centre of my screen. I have to move my windows to the corners to be able to view anything. At the rate this black blob is expanding, I figure I have another week before I can’t use my computer at all. I am slightly angry about this, but not extremely angry. First of all, I really do not need a computer anymore because school is almost over. Secondly, I will be able to use Ash’s computer when she gets here in, oh I don’t know, two days! So it's not that bad.

But dammit this computer cost me $1000! Dammit!

Sorry I tried to look at the positive side there but the negative is pretty overpowering.

Alright, so beyond my idiocy (of which you were already aware), what else has been going on in my semi-charmed life? Let’s just say this past week has been the best week so far in Australia. I know I told you I had a lot of work to do (and I did it all) but I also interpersed some amazing trips with the work. Last week, two roommates and I drove to a nearby beach at 1 am. We went for a walk and found a boardwalk that weaves through wetlands for 6 or 7 kilometres. It was intense and beautiful.

The next night, Etienne and I went to the same beach to play some midnight Frisbee (and no, that is not some weird slang for homosexual activity). After a half hour, some Aussie friends unexpectedly showed up. They were hitting some golf balls into the water and we joined in the fun. It felt great to swing a golf club for the first time in a long while.

On Friday, I went to Double Island in Noosa, about an hour and a half north of Brisbane. To give you a sense of how amazing of a time I had, here is an excerpt of an email I sent to my mom that night:

“I am just going to bed now but I saw that you emailed and I got excited! The beach today was ab-so-lute-ly unreal! The best time I have had here in Australia! Seriously Ma, today was a slice of heaven. We went to an island at Noosa Beach, one of the more renowned Australian beaches. We took our car in a 2 minute ferry ride across, and then it was like the Muskokas, only better. Audrey and Jess went horseback riding along the beach for two hours, and me and Etienne rented a canoe and paddled around the huge lake for two hours. We would stop paddling for 10 minute stretches and just relax and talk. Fish jumped out of the water on a couple of occasions and we were surrounded by forest and mountains. Then we're lugging the canoe back to the resort and...a whole bunch of kangaroos come hopping in front of us! And they were everywhere! We went up and pet them, and tried to feed them. Imagine! Wild kangaroos and I was petting them. A couple of the mothers had their baby in the pouch and it was just such a surreal experience. After canoeing we went in the ocean at sunset with purple and pink clouds in the sky and the sun setting behind the mountains. And the water was so warm and the waves were so big. Then on the drive home my roommates and I stopped at an amazing Aussie restaurant. Then when we were closer to home, we stopped at another beach, put on the music, laid on the car and looked at the stars. "

Keep in mind that my policy regarding exclamation points is to use them like deodorant: infrequently and sparingly, if necessary. It was just such an amazing experience that there was no way around using them.

I am going to cut this blog post short. I have some school work to do before Sean and Dave get here. When do they get here, you ask? In 12 hours. Yeah, that came quick. Then Ash and Chris show up in 36 hours. It is going to be unbelievable. We are going to Surfer’s Paradise, Byron Bay for the aforementioned Mardi Grass, and then beautiful Cairns for 5 days.

I will not be blogging for a little while due to their arrival and our travels. When I do blog, you can bet that I will have a lot to share. School is almost over. The fun part is now starting.
Oh by the way, I was scheduled to work on Saturday but I did not know this. Consequently, I missed my shift. My manager was not upset. She was just worried that something had happened to me. Today, she gave me four passion fruits grown in her backyard that I could take home. She also asked if I would like to go for a ride in her husband’s hot rod with them some time. She also said she would give me a nice blanket our next shift together after I casually mentioned the nights are getting a little bit chilly. I am really happy she likes me and I think she is a sweet lady as well. The only reason all this love troubles me is because I lied when I applied for the job and told her I am in Australia until January. Now I have to tell this sweet lady that I am leaving in July. I am an asshole.

Thanks for checking in and I will be in touch soon. Word to big bird.

D.J.

Mocking the Redundancy of a Title

Hello party people, Put your hands up, put your hands up!

Now please put them down. Thank you for that. It just sets the mood of the article from the get-go. I am still in Australia, as you may have imagined. I wonder what your reaction would be if I just randomly put up a blog post that said something like, “Oh hey! I felt spontaneous and took a flight to Sweden!” It would be a really big shock, but I bet you would believe it for a second, no? But I digress, as I am wont to do.

Life is a blast here down under. I have so many school projects I must finish this week but I am not the least bit stressed about them. For those of you who know my work habits back home, you will be amazed to learn that I have found new levels of procrastination and general antipathy towards studying. However, the school environment in which I currently find myself is very conducive to not giving a shit. In fact, it reinforces my indifference. I have received marks at the top of my class in everything I have done so far and I haven’t given it any effort. Tonight, my professor explained how you can merely change some words around in your source document and use it in your own report to avoid plagiarism. She basically said that it is not plagiarism when you switch some words. Even more basically, she told us how to effectively plagiarize. She then told us she will know if we did not write it ourselves if it is written too well. I was flabbergasted and ecstatic. I am going to assume that there are universities that are quite difficult in Australia, so I would just like to take this time to thank Wilfrid Laurier University for sending me to this school.

So why, you ask, do I have all of these projects to do? Well, they are all due over the next three weeks but I want to complete them before Ashley, Chris, Sean, and Dave arrive here in Brisbane. And they arrive in one week! I am so excited and I can’t believe how fast time has gone. When they get off the plane, I am going to feel mixed emotions that will confuse me and cause me to run to the train and go back home without meeting them. I am just kidding, but I know Ash and Chris will be reading this blog post and I always like to keep them on their toes. Leave them wondering, “Is-is he joking?”

I tried to walk home from work yesterday instead of taking the train. It is only a half hour walk and I have done it with my roommates twice before. Yet, being the competitor I am, I still found a way to get lost. I don’t care how easy you try to make my route; I will get lost. It’s my competitive nature, baby. Seriously, though, it is pretty pathetic. I think if celestial beings were tracking my movements the way that humans track birds and other animals, they would be thoroughly confused by the route I take when I am lost.

“Where is he walking right now? He has passed two turns that will take him to his home yet he keeps walking!”

“He is walking slow and disoriented too. Is it possible he is looking for food?”

“No, he bought food from a grocery store yesterday. If he wanted food, he would go home.”

“Perhaps he is looking for a mate?”

“He has a mate on the other side of the planet. You know how crazy these humans are when they fall in this ‘love’ material they have there.”

“Well then I am not sure where he is going – oh wait, he is now walking on his street towards home. You don’t think this human does not know how to navigate his planet, do you?”

“Simon, come on! These humans are advanced creatures. Of course he knows how to navigate. Even primates know how to navigate! Even the cats and dogs can find their way home! This man is clearly of even higher intelligence than the rest. I can see his entire route was downhill. Perhaps he consciously or even sub-consciously planned his whole route to avoid difficult uphill slopes.”

“He is a unique specimen, Riley. He is certainly unique.”

(There is no doubt in my mind that celestial beings would have the names Simon and Riley. I really can’t think of anything else they would be called.)

Two nights ago I watched the movie Open Water. It is about a young couple that goes scuba diving at a reef. The boat driver mistakenly counts all the heads while they are still underwater and they leave without them. There is no happy ending here. The boat never comes back. They die. Since they never found them (except the guy’s camera in the stomach of a shark) they don’t know exactly how they died. However, there is no doubt it involved either drowning or being eaten by sharks. Neither of these scenarios sounds particularly enticing. Believe me when I say that I felt fearful for the characters in this movie.

I know what you are thinking: “It’s just a movie about sharks. It’s been done before. Have you ever heard of Jaws?” I would normally agree with you – wait a minute, did you just get snarky with me? Yes I’ve obviously heard of Jaws, you ass – but allow me to explain. In two weeks, the gang of Canadians will be heading up to Cairns. While there, I will be taken out to the ocean by unknown men. At this point I will jump in the ocean and snorkel at the Great Barrier Reef, for this is why I will have paid them to take me out to this place. This plot sounds eerily similar to the beginning of Open Water and I couldn’t help but think that I hope the endings are drastically different.

I just have a little tidbit I would like to share about my job. As I stated earlier, I work at a store that sells expensive porcelain, bone china, and crystal. So far, I have done a swell job of not breaking anything. However, my hands are like big blocks of wood. They were not meant for doing anything requiring delicacy or grace. This is why it is absolutely agonizing every time I have to wrap somebody’s China in tissue and pack it up for them. I can feel the perspiration forming on my forehead and I can feel them looking at me, judging me. “This guy doesn’t know how to wrap China! This gift is going to look awful when she opens it. My god, he just got the tape gun stuck to the tissue paper and now he is trying to rip them apart from each other. How did he manage to wrap himself in tape?” And then I finish and hand it to her and she says, “Thank you!”

On Saturday, I went to the park for a couple hours and just walked around and admired the beautiful plants and flowers. And the lizards. Man I love lizards. There are big ones here – the biggest I have seen was about three and a half feet long. In the botanical gardens, most lizards are about two feet long. When they see you approaching, they just stand absolutely still and watch you with that wary moving eye. This is too much for me to resist. I have to see if I can get close to them. I stand absolutely still as well and make subtle slow movements toward the lizard. Most times, they run away once I am within a four or five feet proximity but on Saturday I got close enough that I touched one. I like to believe that he recognized I was cool with lizards and that I just wanted to chill. I touched his back a couple times before he finally took off, at which point I said, “Adios little buddy.” We had a moment and we moved on with our lives. But I will never forget lil’ Estado.

I recently published my blog on my Facebook and MSN so I have had a few new people letting me know that they have been checking it out. Whoever is taking time out of their day to read something I wrote, I just want to say thanks a lot. To those of you who I have said it to in person before, let me say it again: I love you. To those of you with whom I have never shared those three magical words, I may love you and we haven’t found the right opportunity to say it or I maybe just enjoy your company. We don’t need to rush anything. The main point is I am happy you are reading this.

Enjoy your beautiful spring weather in Canada.

D. James F. Demers IV

Esquire

Two Black People, Two Drastically Different Effects on my Life

Hey yo y'all,

I hope you are all enjoying your lives. If you are not, I urge you to try. Thanks.

I have worked the past two days (Saturday and Sunday) and I work tomorrow as well. Here in Australia, you can earn $20/hr for selling china and cutlery. You also earn time and a half for working on a Sunday. So, yes you did the math correctly, I earned $30 an hour today. The cost of living is a little bit higher here, but still, thirty dollars an hour? That is pretty sweet.

I have been following the American election a little bit and I have to say, I will be very upset if this Barack character does not win. How much do I know about his policies? Admittedly, not a lot. How much do I know about Hillary and McCain's policies? Not too much either. But what I do know is that Barack does not have the same old guard mentality that the other two candidates do. Hillary and McCain are just incarnations of the same candidates we've seen time and time again. I know Hillary is different in the sense that she lacks a penis, but let's be honest, we're not sure if that has been proven.

How many times have you seen an article like this one and just laughed at the similarities between the presidential election and the hallways of a high school? Do you remember the Swift Boat controversy from the last election? Yeah, I'm glad that we cleared up that whole thing. Barack does not seem to be in the race for political posturing or to bash his opposition. He has done both of these things undoubtedly, but this is an unfortunate inevitability during an election.

If you think that Barack is just a hot ticket right now because of his race and because he is the liberal media's darling, I urge you to watch this. I know it is long, but it one of the most inspiring speeches you will ever see. The man has the ability to inspire people with his words. He wrote this speech himself. Not his speech writers. Him. I know we cannot judge a man solely on his ability as an orator, but Bush is an awful public speaker and he has been an awful president. Through the power of trend analysis, I think we can deduce that Barack Obama will be at least mediocre.

As I said, I have not been following this election close enough to have an opinion that is important. However, I wanted to share my opinion anyway because when I watched Barack's speech, I was overcome with emotion. I felt that politics can actually be a beacon for change. And I am not sure when I last felt that, if I ever have.

Waiting for my train on the way home from work tonight, a black transvestite sat on the bench behind me. He put his (her?) hand on my back, and said, "Hey sweetie, do you have two dollars you could spare?"

I had been reading (see: zoned out) and I was shaken out of my trance by this question, as well as the contact on my back. When I turned around to answer this seemingly innocuous question, my face was thirty centimetres away from the face of a transvestite. What occurred over the next two minutes, in retrospect, seems like a dream. I will paraphrase the conversation for you, starting with my answer to the initial question.

Me: No
Tranny: Why not?
Me: Because I just don't have any money.
Tranny: You don't even have two dollars?
Me: I don't have any money, ok?
(We stare at each other for about 5 seconds. His look is 5% incredulity, 5% anger, and I think approximately 90% flirtiness. I am terrified but entranced.)
Tranny: Do you smoke?
Me: No.
Tranny: Why not?
(This is such a dumb follow-up question, I am now questioning if I misunderstood his initial question. Consequently, I respond ambiguously to cover whatever he might have asked.)
Me: 'Cuz I don't.
Tranny: No, I wanna know. Why don't you smoke?
(So I did hear his first question correctly, but now I am flummoxed by the fact that I have to explain why I do not smoke. I know that I rationally should have ended the conversation at this point but, let's face it, I am a big pussy.)
Me: Because I don't want lung cancer.
(At this point, I lean forward so he can't touch me anymore.)
Tranny: What's wrong? (His glance is accusatory, as if I have something against trannies.)
Me: I generally don't like strangers touching me, as a rule. (I am quite proud of this response.)
Tranny: Hmmm
(He then proceeds to stare at me for about 5 seconds. I lock eyes with him. I am not sure if I did this because I wanted to show I wasn't afraid or if I wanted to show I was accepting of transsexuals. But then he notices my hearing aids.)
Tranny: Oh my God, you're deaf. I am so sorry.
(If you think I was going to defend the hearing impaired at this point, you're crazy.)
Me: Yes I am.
Tranny: Oh my god, I am so sorry. Bye bye.
Me: It is ok. You have a nice day now.

At this point, the tranny walked away and harrassed a girl down the bench for money. She gave it to him immediately. I think I saw her burn her hand on her purse, how quickly she opened it.

I am telling you guys, I cannot describe how surreal this encounter was. I know I refer to the tranny as a 'him', but I was genuinely trying to decide the whole time if this guy was post-operation or pre-operation. He had a voice like a woman and I think I saw breasts when he walked away. But he had a couple stray hairs on his upper lip and cheekbones that reminded me he was still a large man. He just stared at me the whole time and I stared back. I had a long day at work and I had been reading, and he snapped me out of a solid mental zone-out, and all these ingredients compounded to create a very, very odd experience. I hope that I was able to accurately convey this.

After he left me, I was talking to another passenger. She was a nice lady, about thirty years old. During the course of the conversation, she asked me how much experience I had in retail. I told her I had quite a bit. She asked, "How much is quite a bit?" I responded, "Have you seen Road to Perdition?"

"No," she said.

"OK good," I answered. "I don't think anyone has. It's a bad movie from what I've heard."

Tom Hanks Will Find a Way Into Any Blog Post

Hi-dee-ho neighbourinos,

I realize that I have not updated this blog in a little over a week. I apologize, but you people can't keep inundating me with emails asking how I am doing and what I am up to. It is getting ridiculous. I don't even have time to experience any of Australia's gifts when I am responding to upwards of 1000 emails a day. I don't mean to sound ungrateful; it just gets tiring being this popular.

What have I been doing since my successful foray into the working world? Not a whole lot, my friends, not a whole lot. I walked through the Botanical Garden in Brisbane, saw the Andy Warhol exhibit at the art gallery, worked one day, watched a couple movies, partied a couple nights, watched some rugby, went to some classes, and I went to Mooloolaba on the Sunshine Coast today. That was the highlight of the week. I love the waves. I don't ride the crest properly at all and consequently I get water up my nose and frequently hit the ocean floor as I am ripped in every direction. But I think that is part of the appeal. When you realize that you are at the mercy of Mother Nature, all of life's problems disappear. I don't really have a single problem, but just imagine if I did!

We had one roommate leave us this week and a new roommate join us. Old Roommate told our landlord we partied too much, causing our landlord to put up a list of rules in the house and regard us with more wariness. New roommate likes to party with us. Old Roommate spoke minimal english and just laughed every time she did not understand anything rather than ask for clarification. New Roommate is American and enjoys conversing. Old Roommate made herself rice seemingly every meal and took it to her room to eat by herself. New Roommate eats with all of us and we have all taken turns making meals each night this week. In short, the house is pretty much perfect now. One French man (Etienne), one French woman (Audrey), and two North Americans (me and New Roommate aka Jessie). Another bonus is that we all have partners back home so nobody is trying to get into anybody else's pants (although I do worry about Etienne sometimes.)

In all seriousness, Etienne and I have become very good friends. We are similar in a lot of ways. He has a very dry and witty sense of humour, much like me. His viewpoint on life is that we should try to be successful but not take ourselves too seriously, much like me. And he also has the highest marks at his business school in France, much like Jesse Spano in Saved by the Bell.

Etienne and I have had some fun times playing pranks as well. When our other roommate Audrey first moved in, she had a surprise waiting for her when she woke up. This surprise was that she could not leave her room because there was a large table, a dresser, two chairs, a vacuum cleaner, and an ironing board stacked against her door. I've also missed a train because I couldn't find any of my three pairs of shoes that Etienne had decided to hide in various locations throughout the house.* Every night we sit out on the porch and have a beer, have a good talk, and marvel at the fact that we are in Australia.

Last week, I informed you that I got a job. However, I never informed you what I will be doing in this job. What if I told you that I am working for Villeroy and Boch, the world's oldest purveyor of fine china and silverware? I can sell a single plate worth $80 or a cutlery set for $600. This is some seriously fancy stuff. As you may or may not be aware, I am not the most nimble and coordinated individual, so I am slightly terrified that I will break something. On the bright side, it would make for a great blog post. I'll keep you posted.

I am not doing anything too exciting as of yet, but only 3 weeks til Ash, Chris, and Sean come and I will be travelling all around Australia. I have been looking into different destinations and prices and it is getting me very, very excited. A couple days ago I was at a travel agency obtaining some information on an island to which I may or may not want to travel. I asked if I could just rough it on the island instead of staying in a hostel. The man informed me that I would have to have some advanced outdoorsman skills. I told him not to worry, as I lived on an island for an extended period of time. He said, "Oh really? What island was that?" I replied, "Have you seen Castaway?"

Just to let you know, a couple hours south of Brisbane there is a beach town called Byron Bay. The population of Byron Bay is comprised of mainly backpackers and free spirits, if you will. I have yet to venture there, but I think I know when I may go there. There is an annual festival held there called Mardi Grass. That extra 'S' in grass was not a typo. This year, Mardi Grass will be held on May 3rd and 4th. I don't condone illicit drugs or the glorification of addictive substances. But I am just a tourist and I owe it to myself to see what the fuss is all about. I hope all the kids there aren't in the throes of Reefer Madness!

That about wraps it up, my friends. It's been nice chatting with you. I like this blog format because I get to do all the talking and I don't have to pretend I find you interesting. That's not directed at all of you, just Chris.

'Til next time!

*I know I did not tell you what my retaliation was for Etienne hiding my shoes. This is because it was not quite as detailed and elaborate as his prank. After a week of eating too many beans and drinking a lot of milk, I had some remarkably putrid flatulence. With this tool at my disposal, I walked up to Etienne, barehugged him, and farted several times. He could not escape my vise-like grip and his intense struggling soon dimmed to faint kicks and tiny little whimpers. I released him before he could be granted the sweet mercy of death.