Hardcore Studying and Fellating Goats

Well hello again,

A couple posts ago, I believe I promised you that I would provide more details on events that have happened in my life over the past couple of weeks. I can't remember all of the things I said I would explain, but one of them was exactly how I quit my job. Long story short, I am not going to explain all that stuff because it is now ancient history and, let's be honest, you don't even really remember that I mentioned it in the first place. I will instead use this post as a way to say goodbye.

I am not sure how many more posts I will be putting up, if any. Ash and I depart tomorrow morning on our 17 day road trip up the Sunshine Coast and I will not be going near the internet or telephone at any point, if I have my way. It is not as bold as Christopher McCandless' trek into the wilderness, but it is my small strike against the complexities of modern society. After that, we fly south to Adelaide to spend two weeks with our friend Sophie. Then we head home to Canada.

By the way, this past week, Ash and I worked on an organic farm in Cooroy, in the beautiful hinterland region two hours north of Brisbane. I will just paste a portion of the email I just sent to Matty and Chris so I don't have to do double the typing.

"Ash and I worked on an organic farm for the past week. We were working up in the beautiful hinterland hills region (in Cooroy near Noosa - to give you an idea of how beautiful it was Chris) - it was gorgeous and educational. We lived with a 70 year old couple who ate only organic foods and were vegetarian as well. They were both retired but he had been an osteopath, chiropractor, and naturopath and she had been a naturopath and massage therapist when they worked. Now that they are retired, he has written two books on alternative medicine and healthy living and she gives seminars to other local farmers on organic farming, particularly a type of farming called biodynamics. So needless to say, they taught us a lot. Almost too much, I would say. Everything I do now and everything I eat, I am thinking about how bad it is for me. I will make some lifestyle changes as a result, but I just don't wanna be the prick making everyone else feel like they are killing themselves. But some major changes I am making for sure are no more microwave, without a doubt, and buying all organic fruits and vegetables. We ate eggs that came from chickens that we had just been holding and petting in the courtyard. We drank milk that came from goats that we had milked that morning. And the goats were so affectionate, like a dog or cat. They each had individual personalities and would rub their heads on you when you stopped petting. It would make a vegan at least question their beliefs, as it was impossible to feel bad about eating animal products when you knew the animals were this well taken care of. Ash was there by herself from Saturday to Wednesday, then I took a bus up on Wednesday after my last exam and spent Wednesday to Saturday with her. My two exams went pretty well. I won't lie, I studied a combined 25 minutes for both of them. For my early modern Europe course, I knew there would be 6 questions, and I would have to choose three that I wanted to answer. I liked my odds, so I looked up three important events in Early Modern Europe on Wikipedia and glossed over them. All three of the events I chose were on the exam. I did not know much about them since I had not attempted to memorize the information (I was playing guitar at the time and it was a half hour before the exam) but I think I did enough to pass. Let's hope at least, because this prof hasn't given me back a single mark from the term yet. As of now, I have a 0%. In Consumer Behavior, I sat out on the porch with Etienne while we studied. He clicked through slides while I played guitar. The exam was 90 multiple choice, two hours long. I finished in 15 minutes and had to wait 15 minutes before they would even let me leave. I truly loved the look I got when I walked out. Seriously, since they know I got the best mark on the midterm and I finished early on that one too, they looked at me like some sort of demigod. As I shut the door to leave the room, I had the urge to say, 'But I am only man, a mere mortal' but I resisted."

We are so excited to start our journey tomorrow and discover Australia on our own terms and at our own pace. Plus, the van we are renting is kick-ass. We are renting it from a company called Wicked Campers. The vans have a kitchen inside, two beds, and a little stove top. Each van has a crazy spraypaint design on the side and it is just luck of the draw what you happesmoking a monstrous joint (seriously, the joint runs the length of the van). We are extremely satisfied with this design. This design symbolically says, "Hey, we're young and innocent because we have a cartoon on our van, but we also know how to party because the cartoon character happens to be smoking a gigantic joint.

If I don't get a chance to post again, thank you all for checking in on me while I have been exploring this beautiful country! I will see you when I get home to Canada in one month's time. Take care of yourselves, and each other.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, here is a photo of one of the goats on the farm chewing on my belt. The photo looks rather humorous, for reasons I can't quite put my finger on.

Another Brief Update

Hey guys,

Just another brief update tonight since I was not in the mood last night. Tonight I will tell you about Sydney, where Ash and I went last week. It was an awesome time, as every new experience has been here in Australia. The city itself is a bigger version of Brisbane, with big city buildings but not your typical big city people. Certainly, many of them are more rushed than smaller townfolk (hell, even Ash and I started feeling rushed walking around with that many people. And we didn't even have anywhere to be! Your brain just looks around and goes, "Oh shit. Everyone is heading somewhere in a hurry. I think I might be in a hurry too!") but on the whole the people are all incredibly friendly.

The city was a very good time, but in the end it does closely resemble every other major city of the world. Cement, roads, people, cars, noise. Those are pretty standard. That is why it was such an awesome deviation of plan to go to the Blue Mountains, a couple hours outside of Sydney, for two days. We took a bus with an travel company called OZExperience at 7 am with our guide named Bill. The entire two hour trip to the Blue Mountains, he gave us a history lesson on the surrounding area over the bus speaker. Not one second of his speech was boring. He was not rehearsing a mental script. He had not memorized anything verbatim. He loved his job and he loved Australia. It made for an awesome day.

We hiked from 9 am to 5 pm, the entire time learning about all the aspects of life that aboriginals encountered when they roamed that very forest. What trees they used for crafts, what trees they used for food, what animals and insects they feared and where to spot them, and other cool pieces of information that I loved. Our guide, Bill, had been a crocodile hunter for a year and a half before he became a tour guide. When he was a crocodile hunter eight or nine years ago, he had been in an opening bordering a forest during his job when a group of aboriginals approached him out of the trees. He said, "What the hell" and he left his keys in the truck and went into the forest with them. He eventually shed all his clothes and lived as they did. He hunted with them, he slept with them, he lived the aboriginal life. After a month and a half, he returned home. He had a wife and two kids and they had already had a funeral for him. His wife, who had to go through the pain of believing he was dead for a month and a half, is still with him because she understands "that there are just some things you gotta do."

If this guy sounds batshit crazy to you, it's because he was. And I know that story sounds Hollywood-ized but I shit you not, this guy was legit. He was entertaining and smart as hell, but you knew he was a little crazy. Throughout the 8 hour hike, we walked down and up huge mountain cliffs and saw so many beautiful waterfalls and scenic views and beautiful plants, it was absolutely incredible. When I think I have seen the most beautiful thing in my life, something else comes along and makes me think nothing could be more beautiful. I am so spoiled and I know that. Australia truly is a feast for your eyes.

The second day, Ash and I rented mountain bikes and biked these amazing trails all along the opposite side of the Blue Mountains. It was actually a little bit frightening at some moments. I am not an avid mountain biker or even a regular biker for that matter. And we were biking on paths that were lined by a 400 metre cliff with no barrier. I know that realistically you shouldn't fall if you just pay attention to where you are biking, but the fearful part of our brains are not always that easily convinced. I had a wipeout on a steep decline hill and took a little tumble. It was nothing too big because I had already been braking when I felt my bike losing a little control (I am an amateur, what can I say?). Ash also took a spill. In true Ashley fashion, she took her pavement tasting test before we even got to the trail, biking uphill, on a paved road. She had not had the bike for 5 minutes yet. I am laughing about it now, but it was a big fall! The trooper that she is, she got up and laughed it off even though it clearly hurt like a son of a. Then, when a sufficient amount of time had passed, I was able to make fun of her mercilessly.

The views, the fresh air, and the exhilarating rush were so amazing. And also, when we got near the top of the mountain, there was a buddhist monk getting out of a hippy van with four regularly-dressed Asians. No word of a lie - we did not find any wacky plants in the foliage - this guy was a real monk. He proceeded to tell Ash and I a story about some girl in Malaysia with a heart problem and how he helped heal her and some other stuff about Buddha-knows-what. I won't lie to you, I had no friggin' clue what he was saying. But he gave Ash a CD and some written papers. That was a week and a half ago. To tell you the truth, I just realized I haven't read any of the papers and haven't even checked to see what is on the CD. Wow. I guess lack of curiosity saved the cat, as the old adage goes.

Those two days in the mountains, plus the other three days in beautiful Sydney, were just another unbelievable chapter in what has been an amazing ride so far. My reading material on the trip to Sydney was two books - the first was "An Anthropologist on Mars" by Oliver Sacks and the other was "In the Hot Zone" by Kevin Sites. The former was written by a psychologist about his patients and their various abnormal psychological issues - things such as Autism, visual agnosia, Tourette's. The latter is one independent journalist's reporting from 21 war-torn countries of the world in one year. He delves into the issues surrounding the regions and he also gets right inside the war zones, risking himself for the bigger (and the smaller, more personal) stories.

Both of these books had the effect of reminding me how fortunate I am to have born into a country with absolute freedom and to have parents and siblings that showed me love since I was an infant. How lucky I am to have the opportunity to travel the world and experience the pleasures in life while others suffer from psychological, physical, and political problems. It was impossible not to juxtapose my blessed life with the strife others face while reading these books. This is not a speech that will segue into me saying that I want to devote all my time to helping and that I have realized the world needs me on the front lines saving people. I am not sure what this diatribe means at this point other than the simple fact that while I enjoy the moments that are showing me how beautiful life can be, I am never, ever taking them for granted. That is what I know at this point.

I have exams next week, then Ash and I are renting a van and driving up the coast for 17 or 18 days! We will sleep in the bed in the back and there is a foldout kitchen set-up inside. We'll bring the tent along and camp out whenever we find a cool spot. I am so excited to just explore the country on my own time with Ash. It will be an amazing experience indubitably (I try to use that word fairly regularly. It's too kick-ass to let languish.). I have realized since I have been in Aussie that the dairy allergy I had as a child that I thought had gone away has not gone away - at all. The result is gas. So I guess what I am saying is that you should admire Ash. It takes serious courage to agree to spend 18 days straight in a 5x8 box on wheels with someone whose methane distribution has seen serious increases in the past little while.

After the road trip up north, we will be flying down to see her friend (and I would like to believe my friend now as well) Sophie. We will be spending two weeks with her in her hometown near Adelaide and then we will be flying home! As in, to Canada. Man, that is coming soon! I can understand how excited Ash is to to see Sophie because the thought of leaving Etienne is making me sad. When I go on my road trip with Ash in a week and a half, I will not see him again until I go to France or he comes to Canada (we both know one of us will do one of these within the next couple of years). I have become great friends with him and it honestly will be very sad leaving him. I am not usually an emotional guy, I don't think, but I feel like he is a French version of me and I enjoyed every night we sat out on the porch sitting, laughing, and listening to music. She only left yesterday, but we all already miss Jessie too.

I guess that is the one downside of travelling. But that will be enough of that. Who wants to hear complaining from a guy who is essentially living the dream?

One last note: while I write my exams next week, Ash is leaving me for a week to work on an organic farm feeding baby goats and processing the milk to make their yoghurt and cheese. She will also be learning about environmentalism and natural therapy, as that is her host's profession. She will be living on the farm with them and living the lifestyle that comes along with it. She is super-psyched and I am for her! If I didn't have exams, I would love to join her.

Thanks again for checking in, friends and family. Please drop me a line if you are reading this. It's always nice to hear from an old friend while I am on the other side of a planet.

'Til next time!

DeeJ

Dinner with a New Demographic

Etienne and I (our profile picture on Lavalife)

Oh hi,

It has been a couple of eventful weeks in the adventures of Djash. That's right, the solo adventures upon which I used to embark have now been replaced by a two-man crew of D.J. and Ashley. We're working on a better nickname, but I think Djash has some pizazz, especially if you pronounce the 'j' like a 'y' as you would in Bjork.

Before I tell you about our adventures in Sydney, I'll briefly delve into the exciting night I had last Monday. My manager decided that we needed a staff meeting to discuss an upcoming sale and for the staff to all become acquainted with each other (since we work the same shift every week, I had not met two of the four other employees). She decided the meeting would be an informal one and we would mix business and pleasure with some dinner and drinks at a trendy restaurant.

This sounds like a good time, I presume, until you remember that the four other employees at my store are women of at least 45 years of age. Don't misunderstand me; they are all exceptionally nice. It's just that, well, they are all Australian women of at least 45 years of age. What the hell does a 22 year-old Canadian male have in common with them?

The correct answer, as you may have guessed, is absolutely nothing.

To give you a bit more insight into how the evening progressed, let me explain some things about my hearing impairment. I do not hear high frequencies as well as low frequencies. Thus, I have more difficulty in hearing women than men (this obviously has its benefits at times). I have a harder time hearing when there is a lot of background noise. I cannot understand people with foreign accents nearly as well as the Canadian accent to which I am accustomed.

Last Monday I found myself trying to listen to four women with Australian accents in a restaurant that was jam-packed with other patrons. This, I thought to myself as I sat down, is going to be a bit of a struggle. At the precise moment I had this thought, a man sat down at a stool ten feet to my right. He strapped his guitar around his shoulder, started playing it and then sang into the microphone in front of his face. It was almost as if God was saying to me, "You thought that was going to be a struggle? I got more where that came from." I am very surprised that a random group of 4 or 5 aboriginals did not stand directly behind me at some point, chanting tribal hymns while banging ferociously on their bongos. I was fully prepared for this to happen.

Anyway, the dinner ended up being a relatively enjoyable experience, as it is always interesting to throw yourself into a new situation. One downside is that I felt like a conniving S.O.B. at some points as I had to continue to perpetuate my lie that I told when I was first hired. I spoke in-depth about how difficult it will be to spend Christmas in Australia and away from my family. Of course, I am leaving Australia in July. I actually really like my manager and it really was not an enjoyable task flat-out lying to her and the others. I must once again repeat, I am an asshole.

I am all out of time right now. Well, to be totally honest, I do not have any time constraints. I just do not feel like writing anymore. So I will leave you with that story. When I write again, I will have much to talk about. Our journey to Sydney, the incredibly sad departure of my roommate Jessie, me quitting my job this past Monday (I once again had to work from my original lie to conceive further fallacies and spin my intricate web of deceit to new levels), and Ash's and my plan to rent a van and travel the coast of Australia for a month!

Thanks for checking in, my friends. It is a month and a half until I return home and Jessie's departure today really brought our limited time into sharp focus. I am not ready to leave this beautiful place yet, or the great friends I have made, but all I can do is enjoy it to the maximum.

I hope you are all enjoying the blissful anticipation of early summer.

Peace, love, and rampant consumerism,

DJ

This Post is Admittedly Long, but Don't You Miss Me?

My friends (and foes keeping tabs on whether I have perished),

It has been two weeks since I last spoke to you, and an even longer time since you last spoke to me due to the one-way relationship in which we currently find ourselves. In that two week period, I experienced the arrival of my girlfriend and three of my friends (two of these friends were best friends before they arrived. One of these I now consider to be a good friend after spending a good deal of time with him.). Three days after their arrival, we celebrated the arrival of Ashley's Aussie friend, Sophie. She flew in from the south of Australia and took in the sights with us.

Together with these friends, I went to Surfer's Paradise for a day, Noosa Beach for two days, stayed in Brisbane for a few days, and checked out the Daintree Rainforest and Great Barrier Reef in Port Douglas for five days. All of these places could be (and in fact are) the basis of a postcard photo, and we got to experience them all in a whirlwind two-week period. Furthermore, we stayed at beautiful condos in both Noosa and Port Douglas and truly lived the life of luxury. It is an extremely overwhelming task to even attempt to chronicle the events that transpired over the past couple of weeks, so I will only recap the moments and sights that stuck with me.

I have already gone in-depth on the reasons why I love Surfer's Paradise so there is no need for further elaboration on the sheer power of the waves that crash upon its shore. When we arrived at Surfer's, Ashley called my bluff and stated her opinion that the waves did not match the intensity that I had described. I am not one to dabble in hyperbole so I felt guilty as I looked out at the waves and thought that perhaps she was correct; they did not look that menacing. That was 11 am. Fast forward to 2 pm. The waves have gotten bigger, more ferocious. Ashley is gasping and coughing for air, completely disoriented, after a succession of waves have had their way with her and robbed her of her bearings, as well as her bikini top. While I was concerned for her well-being (and also the potential for people to get a show for which they had not paid), I also felt vindicated that the mighty waves had come through in the clutch and proven that I do not exaggerate in my writings. Oh, did I mention that she was only in three feet of water at this point? You did not read that incorrectly. The waves handled Ash at a depth of only three feet.

(Edit: I have been informed by Ashley that it was actually at Noosa where she was manhandled by the waves at a depth of three feet. I suppose this her attempt at defending herself, but the waves are actually smaller at Noosa, so now I just feel more vindicated. Am I an asshole? Probably.)

After Surfer's Paradise, we spent a couple of days in Noosa. A couple of weeks ago, my roommates and I spent a day at Double Island in Noosa. To refresh your memory, I believe I referred to that day as the greatest day I have had in Australia. Well, I went back to that place, this time with the Canadian gang and Etienne. Sean's parents, who also made the trip over to Australia, had rented a gorgeous condo on the beach and we all crashed there for a night. Honestly, this condo was unbelievable. It had a balcony overlooking the Pacific, immaculate furniture and large beds throughout, and was a 20 minute walk from the most beautiful natural sights I have ever experienced (up to that point in my life. Oooh, foreshadowing!).

After Noosa, we hung out around Brissy for a couple of days, drinking some beers and seeing some sights. Early Tuesday morning, we embarked on our early-morning flight to Cairns. I must mention that at no point during any of our travels were any of us asked for identification to verify that we were in fact the people who had purchased the tickets. With this information in mind, I encourage you to come to Australia and see if you can correctly guess the names of people who are flying on domestic flights. If you guess correctly, you can steal their flight! What a fun game! Although I was not name checked, Sean and I were both randomly selected for explosives paraphernalia testing (he was actually 'randomly' tested twice on his trip. A suspicious looking character, that one.). Airport security also deflated my football prior to my flight, as the extraordinary air pressure posed a serious safety risk. There is no denying this. We had no football with which to play while in Cairns, and I am sad to report I have not yet re-filled it with air since we returned to Brisbane. It is safe to say that the airport unwittingly altered the rest of my time in Australia and perhaps the rest of my life with that single act of de-pressurizing my football. One could argue that I could just re-fill it with air, but this 'one' we speak of has greatly underestimated my laziness.

Immediately upon arriving in Cairns, the view was breathtaking. The airport runway is surrounded by large hills (small mountains?) covered in dense tropical vegetation. Immediately upon landing, we rented a van and drove an hour north to our condo in Port Douglas. Again, I do not want to go too in-depth into all the fun that was had. I have received a couple of complaints that I am too long-winded in my story-telling and even though I do not convey my emotions due to my icy cool exterior, be aware that your complaints have in fact cut to the very core of me. Thanks a lot, Mom.

One thing I need to touch on was our exploration of the Great Barrier Reef. I am not sure if you have heard of this thing. It's just one of the seven natural wonders of the world and the world's largest living structure, covering an area of approximately 344,400 kilometres. It's alright, I guess. We took a mid-sized boat out and powered over some choppy water an hour and a half both ways. We stopped at three different locations, and were served an amazing breakfast and lunch as well. The entire experience was incredible, but as much as I loved the fantastic food, the highlight of the trip was the reef itself. It was, without a doubt, the most surreal and most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

The moment you put your head under the water, it is a whole new world. As Chris said, "it really makes you realize how meaningless it all is." If I was intensely nihilistic and borderline suicidal, I too would share these sentiments. Seriously though, the magnificence of all the marine life and and the reef itself did instill in me a sense of wonder and also a sense of somber reflection. Swimming through schools of fish, hearing only your own breathing (others heard their breath better than I did. I can only assume it was wonderful), surrounded by a vast expanse of water in all directions. The entire situation evokes some powerful emotions. Perhaps I felt these strong emotions because I am a young twenty-something and these philosophical thoughts of mortality and meaning are never far from the forefront. Or perhaps I am a terrible swimmer and the thought of dying was really not some far-off notion. I'll leave that for you to decide (hint: I am a terrible swimmer.).

I would be leaving out a crucial element of the story if I did not tell you that I almost fell off the boat on our trip back to the mainland. We were all chilling on the back deck (Is deck the correct word? It could be the hull, stern or tabernacle. I am not familiar with boat terms) of the boat when I went down to the first level to get some food. When I came back up, I was disoriented due to a combination of fatigue, seasickness and just getting up too quick. And oh yeah, it was choppy as hell! Anyway, immediately upon coming up to the deck, the boat hit a wave that caused me to tumble and land on Sean, who was sun-bathing his Adonis body. In a small state of shock and not willing to relinquish my food, I stood up quickly. Another wave caused me to lose my balance once again and go tumbling across the deck in the direction of the railing. Luckily for me, there was a fixed chair that saved me. It saved me by jabbing directly into the small of my back, but I cannot quibble. The chair saved me. Would I have fallen overboard? Maybe, maybe not. The gang thought I had exaggerated my near-fall, but would I really dip that close to peril for the sake of a joke? With hearing aids that will be ruined if they go into the water, lungs that cannot hold my breath for longer than twenty seconds, and a method of treading water that fatigues me in less than a minute and a half?

No, my friend, this was no exaggeration.

OK, this has been a long piece of writing, so I am going to wrap it up with some brief recaps of the rest of the journey. We swam in a river in the rainforest, I pissed off a pelican and a kangaroo, we hung out with the koalas, fed some parrots, and the gang accidentally invented a new form of Texas Hold 'Em Poker using only a Euchre Deck. It is an extraordinarily fun game and I can only hope that Sean, Dave, and Chris will try to incorporate it before I return. Because you only use cards 9 through Ace, every hand is intense. It is called 'Power Poker' but it is spelled 'Pokre'. The power is silent. Give it a shot, people. When have I ever steered you down the wrong path?

It was a blast having the boys in Australia and it has been amazing having Ash to hug and kiss as well. Before she got here, I could only do that with Etienne. That was OK, but I was beginning to wonder if he was gay. Ash and I are heading to Sydney on Tuesday and then New Zealand or Fiji the week after that! A lot of my friends, including my close friend and roommate Jessie, are leaving very soon, so there is some sadness tinged with the happiness. It is hard to believe that it has been four months already but I guess time flies when you're having fun. (Time flies when you're having fun? That is a good one. I might start using that one more often. I wonder if it will catch on.)

I hope that you were able to read this whole blog entry. I know I have said this before, but I must once again thank you. Everyone who has told me that they enjoy reading my blog, I just want to let you know that you are the reasons why I continue to write.

I hope everything in Canada is hunky dory and I will check back in with you soon.

Until then, enjoy Jessica Alba:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmzcKXsllWs

It's just a staring competition, Luke. you can zip your pants back up.

See ya!

I Saw a Kangaroo Punch Another Kangaroo in the Face

Hi there cyberfriends,

There are a couple of things I have not told you that one might consider to be important events.
First, I broke my computer about two weeks ago. Etienne and I had been driving somewhere we had never been. We had my laptop along with us so we could trust the powers of Google Maps. When we arrived at our destination, I closed my laptop and put it on his seat. When he got back in the car, he moved my laptop over to the passenger seat. When I got into the car, I did not check my seat. I sat on the computer. I did not even think anything of it. I said, “Oh hey, my computer is under me.” I then moved it to the back seat.

Only in the morning did I realize the extent of the damage. I had cracked the screen. It started out as just a little black spot. Two weeks later, it is a huge black spot that dominates the entire centre of my screen. I have to move my windows to the corners to be able to view anything. At the rate this black blob is expanding, I figure I have another week before I can’t use my computer at all. I am slightly angry about this, but not extremely angry. First of all, I really do not need a computer anymore because school is almost over. Secondly, I will be able to use Ash’s computer when she gets here in, oh I don’t know, two days! So it's not that bad.

But dammit this computer cost me $1000! Dammit!

Sorry I tried to look at the positive side there but the negative is pretty overpowering.

Alright, so beyond my idiocy (of which you were already aware), what else has been going on in my semi-charmed life? Let’s just say this past week has been the best week so far in Australia. I know I told you I had a lot of work to do (and I did it all) but I also interpersed some amazing trips with the work. Last week, two roommates and I drove to a nearby beach at 1 am. We went for a walk and found a boardwalk that weaves through wetlands for 6 or 7 kilometres. It was intense and beautiful.

The next night, Etienne and I went to the same beach to play some midnight Frisbee (and no, that is not some weird slang for homosexual activity). After a half hour, some Aussie friends unexpectedly showed up. They were hitting some golf balls into the water and we joined in the fun. It felt great to swing a golf club for the first time in a long while.

On Friday, I went to Double Island in Noosa, about an hour and a half north of Brisbane. To give you a sense of how amazing of a time I had, here is an excerpt of an email I sent to my mom that night:

“I am just going to bed now but I saw that you emailed and I got excited! The beach today was ab-so-lute-ly unreal! The best time I have had here in Australia! Seriously Ma, today was a slice of heaven. We went to an island at Noosa Beach, one of the more renowned Australian beaches. We took our car in a 2 minute ferry ride across, and then it was like the Muskokas, only better. Audrey and Jess went horseback riding along the beach for two hours, and me and Etienne rented a canoe and paddled around the huge lake for two hours. We would stop paddling for 10 minute stretches and just relax and talk. Fish jumped out of the water on a couple of occasions and we were surrounded by forest and mountains. Then we're lugging the canoe back to the resort and...a whole bunch of kangaroos come hopping in front of us! And they were everywhere! We went up and pet them, and tried to feed them. Imagine! Wild kangaroos and I was petting them. A couple of the mothers had their baby in the pouch and it was just such a surreal experience. After canoeing we went in the ocean at sunset with purple and pink clouds in the sky and the sun setting behind the mountains. And the water was so warm and the waves were so big. Then on the drive home my roommates and I stopped at an amazing Aussie restaurant. Then when we were closer to home, we stopped at another beach, put on the music, laid on the car and looked at the stars. "

Keep in mind that my policy regarding exclamation points is to use them like deodorant: infrequently and sparingly, if necessary. It was just such an amazing experience that there was no way around using them.

I am going to cut this blog post short. I have some school work to do before Sean and Dave get here. When do they get here, you ask? In 12 hours. Yeah, that came quick. Then Ash and Chris show up in 36 hours. It is going to be unbelievable. We are going to Surfer’s Paradise, Byron Bay for the aforementioned Mardi Grass, and then beautiful Cairns for 5 days.

I will not be blogging for a little while due to their arrival and our travels. When I do blog, you can bet that I will have a lot to share. School is almost over. The fun part is now starting.
Oh by the way, I was scheduled to work on Saturday but I did not know this. Consequently, I missed my shift. My manager was not upset. She was just worried that something had happened to me. Today, she gave me four passion fruits grown in her backyard that I could take home. She also asked if I would like to go for a ride in her husband’s hot rod with them some time. She also said she would give me a nice blanket our next shift together after I casually mentioned the nights are getting a little bit chilly. I am really happy she likes me and I think she is a sweet lady as well. The only reason all this love troubles me is because I lied when I applied for the job and told her I am in Australia until January. Now I have to tell this sweet lady that I am leaving in July. I am an asshole.

Thanks for checking in and I will be in touch soon. Word to big bird.

D.J.

Mocking the Redundancy of a Title

Hello party people, Put your hands up, put your hands up!

Now please put them down. Thank you for that. It just sets the mood of the article from the get-go. I am still in Australia, as you may have imagined. I wonder what your reaction would be if I just randomly put up a blog post that said something like, “Oh hey! I felt spontaneous and took a flight to Sweden!” It would be a really big shock, but I bet you would believe it for a second, no? But I digress, as I am wont to do.

Life is a blast here down under. I have so many school projects I must finish this week but I am not the least bit stressed about them. For those of you who know my work habits back home, you will be amazed to learn that I have found new levels of procrastination and general antipathy towards studying. However, the school environment in which I currently find myself is very conducive to not giving a shit. In fact, it reinforces my indifference. I have received marks at the top of my class in everything I have done so far and I haven’t given it any effort. Tonight, my professor explained how you can merely change some words around in your source document and use it in your own report to avoid plagiarism. She basically said that it is not plagiarism when you switch some words. Even more basically, she told us how to effectively plagiarize. She then told us she will know if we did not write it ourselves if it is written too well. I was flabbergasted and ecstatic. I am going to assume that there are universities that are quite difficult in Australia, so I would just like to take this time to thank Wilfrid Laurier University for sending me to this school.

So why, you ask, do I have all of these projects to do? Well, they are all due over the next three weeks but I want to complete them before Ashley, Chris, Sean, and Dave arrive here in Brisbane. And they arrive in one week! I am so excited and I can’t believe how fast time has gone. When they get off the plane, I am going to feel mixed emotions that will confuse me and cause me to run to the train and go back home without meeting them. I am just kidding, but I know Ash and Chris will be reading this blog post and I always like to keep them on their toes. Leave them wondering, “Is-is he joking?”

I tried to walk home from work yesterday instead of taking the train. It is only a half hour walk and I have done it with my roommates twice before. Yet, being the competitor I am, I still found a way to get lost. I don’t care how easy you try to make my route; I will get lost. It’s my competitive nature, baby. Seriously, though, it is pretty pathetic. I think if celestial beings were tracking my movements the way that humans track birds and other animals, they would be thoroughly confused by the route I take when I am lost.

“Where is he walking right now? He has passed two turns that will take him to his home yet he keeps walking!”

“He is walking slow and disoriented too. Is it possible he is looking for food?”

“No, he bought food from a grocery store yesterday. If he wanted food, he would go home.”

“Perhaps he is looking for a mate?”

“He has a mate on the other side of the planet. You know how crazy these humans are when they fall in this ‘love’ material they have there.”

“Well then I am not sure where he is going – oh wait, he is now walking on his street towards home. You don’t think this human does not know how to navigate his planet, do you?”

“Simon, come on! These humans are advanced creatures. Of course he knows how to navigate. Even primates know how to navigate! Even the cats and dogs can find their way home! This man is clearly of even higher intelligence than the rest. I can see his entire route was downhill. Perhaps he consciously or even sub-consciously planned his whole route to avoid difficult uphill slopes.”

“He is a unique specimen, Riley. He is certainly unique.”

(There is no doubt in my mind that celestial beings would have the names Simon and Riley. I really can’t think of anything else they would be called.)

Two nights ago I watched the movie Open Water. It is about a young couple that goes scuba diving at a reef. The boat driver mistakenly counts all the heads while they are still underwater and they leave without them. There is no happy ending here. The boat never comes back. They die. Since they never found them (except the guy’s camera in the stomach of a shark) they don’t know exactly how they died. However, there is no doubt it involved either drowning or being eaten by sharks. Neither of these scenarios sounds particularly enticing. Believe me when I say that I felt fearful for the characters in this movie.

I know what you are thinking: “It’s just a movie about sharks. It’s been done before. Have you ever heard of Jaws?” I would normally agree with you – wait a minute, did you just get snarky with me? Yes I’ve obviously heard of Jaws, you ass – but allow me to explain. In two weeks, the gang of Canadians will be heading up to Cairns. While there, I will be taken out to the ocean by unknown men. At this point I will jump in the ocean and snorkel at the Great Barrier Reef, for this is why I will have paid them to take me out to this place. This plot sounds eerily similar to the beginning of Open Water and I couldn’t help but think that I hope the endings are drastically different.

I just have a little tidbit I would like to share about my job. As I stated earlier, I work at a store that sells expensive porcelain, bone china, and crystal. So far, I have done a swell job of not breaking anything. However, my hands are like big blocks of wood. They were not meant for doing anything requiring delicacy or grace. This is why it is absolutely agonizing every time I have to wrap somebody’s China in tissue and pack it up for them. I can feel the perspiration forming on my forehead and I can feel them looking at me, judging me. “This guy doesn’t know how to wrap China! This gift is going to look awful when she opens it. My god, he just got the tape gun stuck to the tissue paper and now he is trying to rip them apart from each other. How did he manage to wrap himself in tape?” And then I finish and hand it to her and she says, “Thank you!”

On Saturday, I went to the park for a couple hours and just walked around and admired the beautiful plants and flowers. And the lizards. Man I love lizards. There are big ones here – the biggest I have seen was about three and a half feet long. In the botanical gardens, most lizards are about two feet long. When they see you approaching, they just stand absolutely still and watch you with that wary moving eye. This is too much for me to resist. I have to see if I can get close to them. I stand absolutely still as well and make subtle slow movements toward the lizard. Most times, they run away once I am within a four or five feet proximity but on Saturday I got close enough that I touched one. I like to believe that he recognized I was cool with lizards and that I just wanted to chill. I touched his back a couple times before he finally took off, at which point I said, “Adios little buddy.” We had a moment and we moved on with our lives. But I will never forget lil’ Estado.

I recently published my blog on my Facebook and MSN so I have had a few new people letting me know that they have been checking it out. Whoever is taking time out of their day to read something I wrote, I just want to say thanks a lot. To those of you who I have said it to in person before, let me say it again: I love you. To those of you with whom I have never shared those three magical words, I may love you and we haven’t found the right opportunity to say it or I maybe just enjoy your company. We don’t need to rush anything. The main point is I am happy you are reading this.

Enjoy your beautiful spring weather in Canada.

D. James F. Demers IV

Esquire

Two Black People, Two Drastically Different Effects on my Life

Hey yo y'all,

I hope you are all enjoying your lives. If you are not, I urge you to try. Thanks.

I have worked the past two days (Saturday and Sunday) and I work tomorrow as well. Here in Australia, you can earn $20/hr for selling china and cutlery. You also earn time and a half for working on a Sunday. So, yes you did the math correctly, I earned $30 an hour today. The cost of living is a little bit higher here, but still, thirty dollars an hour? That is pretty sweet.

I have been following the American election a little bit and I have to say, I will be very upset if this Barack character does not win. How much do I know about his policies? Admittedly, not a lot. How much do I know about Hillary and McCain's policies? Not too much either. But what I do know is that Barack does not have the same old guard mentality that the other two candidates do. Hillary and McCain are just incarnations of the same candidates we've seen time and time again. I know Hillary is different in the sense that she lacks a penis, but let's be honest, we're not sure if that has been proven.

How many times have you seen an article like this one and just laughed at the similarities between the presidential election and the hallways of a high school? Do you remember the Swift Boat controversy from the last election? Yeah, I'm glad that we cleared up that whole thing. Barack does not seem to be in the race for political posturing or to bash his opposition. He has done both of these things undoubtedly, but this is an unfortunate inevitability during an election.

If you think that Barack is just a hot ticket right now because of his race and because he is the liberal media's darling, I urge you to watch this. I know it is long, but it one of the most inspiring speeches you will ever see. The man has the ability to inspire people with his words. He wrote this speech himself. Not his speech writers. Him. I know we cannot judge a man solely on his ability as an orator, but Bush is an awful public speaker and he has been an awful president. Through the power of trend analysis, I think we can deduce that Barack Obama will be at least mediocre.

As I said, I have not been following this election close enough to have an opinion that is important. However, I wanted to share my opinion anyway because when I watched Barack's speech, I was overcome with emotion. I felt that politics can actually be a beacon for change. And I am not sure when I last felt that, if I ever have.

Waiting for my train on the way home from work tonight, a black transvestite sat on the bench behind me. He put his (her?) hand on my back, and said, "Hey sweetie, do you have two dollars you could spare?"

I had been reading (see: zoned out) and I was shaken out of my trance by this question, as well as the contact on my back. When I turned around to answer this seemingly innocuous question, my face was thirty centimetres away from the face of a transvestite. What occurred over the next two minutes, in retrospect, seems like a dream. I will paraphrase the conversation for you, starting with my answer to the initial question.

Me: No
Tranny: Why not?
Me: Because I just don't have any money.
Tranny: You don't even have two dollars?
Me: I don't have any money, ok?
(We stare at each other for about 5 seconds. His look is 5% incredulity, 5% anger, and I think approximately 90% flirtiness. I am terrified but entranced.)
Tranny: Do you smoke?
Me: No.
Tranny: Why not?
(This is such a dumb follow-up question, I am now questioning if I misunderstood his initial question. Consequently, I respond ambiguously to cover whatever he might have asked.)
Me: 'Cuz I don't.
Tranny: No, I wanna know. Why don't you smoke?
(So I did hear his first question correctly, but now I am flummoxed by the fact that I have to explain why I do not smoke. I know that I rationally should have ended the conversation at this point but, let's face it, I am a big pussy.)
Me: Because I don't want lung cancer.
(At this point, I lean forward so he can't touch me anymore.)
Tranny: What's wrong? (His glance is accusatory, as if I have something against trannies.)
Me: I generally don't like strangers touching me, as a rule. (I am quite proud of this response.)
Tranny: Hmmm
(He then proceeds to stare at me for about 5 seconds. I lock eyes with him. I am not sure if I did this because I wanted to show I wasn't afraid or if I wanted to show I was accepting of transsexuals. But then he notices my hearing aids.)
Tranny: Oh my God, you're deaf. I am so sorry.
(If you think I was going to defend the hearing impaired at this point, you're crazy.)
Me: Yes I am.
Tranny: Oh my god, I am so sorry. Bye bye.
Me: It is ok. You have a nice day now.

At this point, the tranny walked away and harrassed a girl down the bench for money. She gave it to him immediately. I think I saw her burn her hand on her purse, how quickly she opened it.

I am telling you guys, I cannot describe how surreal this encounter was. I know I refer to the tranny as a 'him', but I was genuinely trying to decide the whole time if this guy was post-operation or pre-operation. He had a voice like a woman and I think I saw breasts when he walked away. But he had a couple stray hairs on his upper lip and cheekbones that reminded me he was still a large man. He just stared at me the whole time and I stared back. I had a long day at work and I had been reading, and he snapped me out of a solid mental zone-out, and all these ingredients compounded to create a very, very odd experience. I hope that I was able to accurately convey this.

After he left me, I was talking to another passenger. She was a nice lady, about thirty years old. During the course of the conversation, she asked me how much experience I had in retail. I told her I had quite a bit. She asked, "How much is quite a bit?" I responded, "Have you seen Road to Perdition?"

"No," she said.

"OK good," I answered. "I don't think anyone has. It's a bad movie from what I've heard."